The Story Of Gift Cat Before Con
By Gus Argueta
It was a good day. Everything was good, Gift Cat loved her home and was
loved in return. Today, Gift Cat sat on the new leather recliner, gently
sinking her claws into the high quality materials as her owner, Dopey
McMaterialGoods prepared his favorite meal a Non-Baconified, pre-made,
vacuum packed BLT. He decided to eat his unholy creation in his new
recliner which he had just bought and already loved more than his wife,
about whom we know nothing. Dopey walked into the living room and let out a
"Aiiiiieeeeeeeee!" he femininely uttered, "My name-brand-new leather
recliner is ruined!"
"Meow," Gift Cat said in a friendly tone as she welcomed her owner to
the room. During his pathetic fit of histeria, Dopey had dropped his
Non-Bacon BLT on the floor. Gift Cat decided to get up and have a taste but
instantly noticed the sandwich lacked something important. 'B' is missing!
So Gift Cat B-ed up a hairball onto the sandwich.
"No!" Dopey cried,"My Non-Bacon BLT is now inedible!"
"Meow," Gift cat said cheerfully.
"Stupid Gift Cat!" bellowed Dopey,"You are not allowed!" These words
pierced through Gift Cat's ears straight into her heart, throught the
little-known nerve that extends directly from the ear drum to the left
ventricle. Gift Cat hung her head in shame, truly she had let down her
master by not B-ing his sandwich up enough. She would have to try harder
then! She summoned up all her stomach-strength and B-ed up a softball sized
wad of hair onto the sandwich. Yay! Now Dopey would be happy again!
"That is it Gift Cat!" Dopey managed to say without expending all of his
mental energy,"I am getting rid of you for good!"
"Meow?" asked Gift Cat, wanting to know what she had done wrong. But
before she could get an answer Dopey grabbed her by the tail and tossed her
out the window, into the passenger seat of his mostly-plastic SUV. Dopey
got into the terribly-unsafe vehicle and started driving. He drove. And
he drove and he drove and he drove until both Dopey and Gift Cat came to the
conclusion that they had to be at least three towns over from where they had
started. Now, the fact that Dopey took just as long as a cat to come to
this conclusion aside, they were in deep vegetable oil now.
"No, get out of the car Gift Cat." Dopey said. Now Gift Cat was not
one to defy his master's requests so she scampered out of the car onto the
unfamiliar road. Dopey drove off and when he got home, he dressed himself
in woman's clothes and was heard to exclaim:
"Ah'm a pretty, pretty ladee."
Gift Cat had no idea what to do, she was a housecat and lacked the
survival skills necessary to hunt her own food. Luckily for her, there was
a house nearby. She sat down in the driveway and began meowing to call
attention to herself. She did this for some immeasurable amount of time,
and the owner of the house did not seem to notice. Could he be ignoring
her? No! Gift Cat was such a pretty cat that no one could ignore her. So
she waited. And waited......and waited. Gift Cat could not stand anymore
waiting so she moved herself onto the porch and started meowing there.
This went on for some time as well, the owner of his house went about
his daily business. Retrieving fast-food from in town(none of which he
shared with Gift Cat) and posting to ARK about how he didn't want to be
owned by Gift Cat.
Finally, the man fed her some dee-licious food which was so welcome
after so much non-eating that she didn't even mind that it was from
Wal-Mart. Truly now Gift Cat owned Con.
Con and Gift Cat co-existed for years until Con died of a heart attack.
After living with Con, Gift Cat become president of the united states of
Dopey, realising how easy and fun it was to get rid of pets, dropped off
rooster beagle at the same location he had left Gift Cat.
Gus was exiled from Canadia for writing this.
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