Gus Argueta, Private Eye.
When we last left our hero, Gus was approached by a strange man claiming to be his father. Now you smart readers know this could not be true, as I willed myself into existence through sheer cunning and unfortunate luck into a woman's uterus. But nonetheless the vagrant's claims must have some ground, right? We'll see....
I stared hard into the filthy man's eyes and than stared at the sun for awhile. After a long silence I finally managed to blurt out:
"You can't be my father!"
"Why not?" the vagrant asked.
"Because you have a big fluffy beard, unlike I, who sports no such beard." I retorted,"Now away with you infedel!"
"I'm gone." said the vagrant as he vanished into a cloud of dirt.
"Finally some time for me to think things through," I said to myself. I sat down on a park bench and pondered, as I often do, upon what my purpose in the universe was. I wanted to be a happy person. Sure, the fast paced world of a billionaire private eye is good for some people. Sure I recieved for more girls, guns, and super-fast rocket cars in the span of three minutes than most other human beings will ever dream about in their entire lives, but was it all worth it in the end? After some time(30 seconds), I decided it was and carried on with my day.
Some Suzy Homemaker had hired me to follow her son around and see if he was into 'the drugs' but instead of doing that I went to the Nabisco Cookie Factory for the free tour. The tour group today seemed to consist mostly of guys in strange pin-striped uniforms with numbers on them. It was not my place to judge so I figured the only crime these fellas had done was some violation against the fashion police.
"Oh no you didn't!"
Another hour passed as I stared blankly at my captors while they beat the other hostages faces in with some ladels they had found. It was at this point that I realized this was not a fun new addition to the tour, these men were terrorists and they needed a taste of sweet Lady's Justice's delicious apple pie. I had to escape, the only question was how.
"HRMPH!"I mumbled in the general direction of some of the terrorists.
"What the hell do you want?" said a very rude terrorist.
"HEY! We're not s'posed ta talk ta da hostages!" said a terrorist who was apparently from Brooklyn.
"But what if it's important?" said Rude.
"Da boss sez we ain't s'posed ta talk to hostages no matta what!" replied Brooklyn.
"I'll just ungag him and if it's not important we'll make him eat that bag of feces over there." said Rude.
"Fine, but it better be uber-important."said Brooklyn as he ungagged me. I had to think fast, I had to say something interesting and distracting.
"Now what is it you wanted to say?" asked Rude.
"Um, your boss told me he wanted you to untie me," I started, "Then he wanted you to shoot him, shoot all the other terrorists and then shoot each other."
"Really?" said Brooklyn.
"Sounds like something the boss would say." said Rude.
"Okay, we better get started before it's too late than." said Brooklyn, releasing me from the ropes. I waved goodbye to my captors and walked out of the cookie factory. Several seconds and gunshots later I turned around in time to see Rude and Brooklyn shooting each other through the factory windows.
"Silly crabbit, tricks are for whores." I said completely out of context.
Next Episode:Some things, some people, and maybe an interesting event.
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