Gus Argueta, Private Eye.
I was sitting in the dark enjoying a glass of rainwater that I had collected by placing a cup on the window sill when out of nowhere a man walked in. Actually he didn't come out of nowhere, he came off the street and through the door but the nowhere comment seemed more dramatic so I wrote that down instead. He was a large man and ugly as sin. As he waddled towards my desk the floorboards creaked like floorboards tend to do when really fat people walk on them. He started to open his mouth but I assumed his breath probably smelled like ham and interrupted him.
"What do you want here and how many hams have you eaten today?" I asked. He stood dumbfounded for a second and pulled back his greasy hair that I could only assume had been greased with some kind of food product. He opened his smelly mouth to talk:
"I just want to use the bathroom." he said.
"Too bad," I replied,"I don't have one, I usually just go tinkle in the phone booth down the street."
At that moment four ninja robots jumped through the window and challenged my dojo to high-spar. I told them the fat man was in charge and ran out the door faster than a man who has just found out he impregnated his mistress. When I got down to the street I heard a blood curdling scream, like a fat man being cut up by robot ninjas. I disregarded the sound as just a figment of my imagination and hailed a cab. Just then a women in a bikini walked up to me, I made note of this as it was raining and my detective agency was far from any beach that wasn't covered in toxic waste. "Who are you?"
"My name is Fred," she said in a decidedly masculine voice.
"Well Fred this isn't Revenge of the Nerds 3, go take the freak show somewhere else."
"But I need your help!"
"Too bad, I have to go to the doctor's office for my bowelling,"I said, "And if I don't go now I'll be backed up for weeks."
"I have money, lots of money."
"Quit bragging you he-bitch!" I exclaimed,"Can't you tell I'm poor as dirt? Some people."
"What are you some kind of idiot?"
"Not just some kind of idiot, the men in the big white building said I was special." At that moment I took the opportunity to throw myself into oncoming traffic.
Several weeks later I woke up and discovered nobody had bothered to take me to the hospital....jerks.
I dusted myself off and walked down to the diner that I sometimes went to when I found enough spare change on the street to afford a meal.
As I walked into the diner, a tour group recoiled in disgust at the trail of bodily fluids I seemed to be leaking on the diner floor. I sat down with the tour group and ate their meal. The only thing worse than the tourist's taste in food was the after taste they left in my mouth when I cut them up into little pieces and ate them.
I strolled out of the diner and proceeded to walk down the street when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw a dirty bearded hobo covering in chewing gum spores.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"Gus, I am you father."
WHO IS THIS MAN?
IS HE REALLY GUS'S FATHER?
WHO WAS REALLY THE BOSS?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THOSE TWO SHREDDIES GUYS AFTER THEY WENT INTO SPACE?
THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE NEXT TIME!
To Be continued........
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