To: The Orange Arrow
Subject: A Modest Proposal
Dear Orange Arrow,
There's this girl who I have a crush on, but I don't think she
likes me. What should I do?
Today is your lucky day Moss, because I just happen to know the exact answer to this question. But before I give it to you
I should warn you that Girl-Crushing(or Grushing, as it's known in certain circles) is punishable in most places under some kind of
assault charge, for more information on the legality of Grushing in your area look no farther than your local notary public. Now, onto
This outline for Grushing was first taught to me by a chemistry teacher who also taught me about the solubility of Kool-Aid,
it's derived from the hypothesis that the more force one atom impacts another with, the more likely they are to crush them haplessly.
Now basically your enemy here is friction, too much friction and you'll lose force and therefore will be unable to crush you intended target
with superior force.
What you wanna do first is to wear your most frictionless pair of shoes, to test the friction of any pair of shoes you
simply run in a straight line for about 20 minutes without stopping. If you feel exhausted by the end of this, then that means that the
shoes are no good, THROW THEM OUT! After finding the perfect shoes you'll need an area suitable for collision, ideally this should be a
relatively flat area with no obstacles between you or your target.
Everything is in perfect order now, but hold your horses! It's still not
Grushing time just yet, first you need some Grushing practice. As any experienced Grusher will tell you, practice is the key to success in Grushing.
That, and weighing like 400 pounds. Have a friend [or tackling dummy or tackling dummy who is a friend or maybe just a tackling dummy who's a friend
of a friend that owes you some money] stand at the spot where you intend to Grush your target and do a few trial runs to work out any eventuality that
might arise in the live run. Also, have your friend try to dodge you on the later trial runs so that you're prepared in case your target is especially
clever and tries something like that.
Once you are confident in your location and the force with which you are hitting the target, it's time for you
to lure your target to the area. Arrange a meeting, or better yet have a mutual friend arrange the meeting that way she won't suspect that you're
there with the intent of Grushing her. And when everything is in place......well, I don't think I need to explain what happens then. I hope this
was of some help to you. Happy Grushing!
Dear loyal reader,
When a man likes a woman a lot, itís called obsession. Then the man goes to jail. See where Iím going? Stay away from the girl.
Itís the only advice I can give. Except the following advice:
Watch for little signs that the girl may like you. Does she say
"What?" when you say her name as though youíre about to ask a question? Does she come near you? Does she look at you when you
talk to her, even if itís just a brief glance? Is she hot? If the answer to any of these questions is "Yes! Good God yes!" then
she is obviously in love with you. DONíT TELL ANYONE OR ASK HER IF SHE LIKES YOU THOUGH! This will break the bond you already
share. Simply mull over her constantly, and get jealous of anyone else who talks to her or comes near her. Cry silently to yourself
at night. Contemplate sending her an email. Write said email, then erase it immediately. Then let her start going out with
someone else, breaking your heart forever. Ö Okay, I forgot the point of thisÖ What did you want to know again?
Oh, right. If you want to know if the girl likes you, just try spending some time with her, and when you feel comfortable
enough, ask her. Itís magically delicious.
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