From: Elliot James
To: The Orange Arrow
Subject: women

my last email was well......rather stupid because quit frankly i knew i would be caught but i had no idea in what manner. anyway i am writing to ask your advice.....there's a girl...2 girls actually and they half to kiss me in this play....and i am really trying to get out of it but still be in the play its a horrible situation so please tell me
   a)the most violent way to stop the kissing
   b)the mast creepy way(i asked colin but he just hit me)
   c)and the most entertaining way
please help iv never done two girls at the same time!(not that i don't want to)

elliott (its german)

 Well Elliott, I forgive you for your past transgressions. The thing that gave you away was that at the top of the last email you sent it said "FROM: Elliott James" and then had your email adress, which I know, after it. As for your questions:
   A) The most violent way to stop kissing is by hiding a tiny gun, or cyanide pill, in your mouth. When the girl, or girls, move in for the kiss, simply shoot bullets out of your mouth at them by pulling the trigger with your tongue. If you go for the cyanide pill route, just spit it into their mouth, and let their teeth do the walking. Or in this case, the killing. Better yet, use some sort of chemical that makes peoples heads explode when they eat it.
   B) The mAst creepy way to stop someone from kissing you is to moan sensually when they start to get close to you, getting louder the closer they get. It's that simple.
   C) The most entertaining way to stop them might be to go with it untill the night of the real play, and then when they kiss you, slap them and call them a harlot, then shout that it wasn't part of the script, and storm away. I would pay to see that.
There you have it. Obviously one of these is the answer you are looking for. Really though, we know you'll just be a tool and go through with it. Because you have no say in anything. Do you? No you don't. Now sit down, and take those kisses like a man.


  Sure, I could go for some obvious jokes here. Or choose the path of my partner in crime and spew gibberish out for a while, but....no, no. I'd like to address something serious here.
  Exactly at what godforsaken moment did the Orange Arrow email become Dear Abby? Huh? When? You people log onto the internet, send us some problem you're having and we're supposed to fix it? Honestly! As if this dirtball planet doesn't irritate me enough I gotta have a buncha monkey people unloading their dirty laundry on me?
  I'm.....sorry, I've had a bad day.
Elliot, just kiss the girls. I mean, really, what do you have to lose? The only victims here are those poor girls who have to touch you. You ever think about how they feel about this? Wait a minute! That's it!
  Okay Elliot, here's what you do. Ask the girls how they feel about this, if they are equally disgusted by the prospect of you kissing them then .... BADACHANK! Kissing averted! If that doesn't work, get herpes.
  Also, I don't like you.

One time Elliot fell over on the ferry, so while he was down, I started hitting him and some other people gave me a dirty look. So I don't know, I guess some people might like Elliot. Which is fine.


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